Guest Post: Cheryl's Miscarriage

4 Things I Learned from my Miscarriage

**I want to start by saying, this was my experience with a miscarriage.  Your experience may have been different or what you learned or needed during your grieving process may have been different and that's ok.  We can learn from each other and comfort each other and that is the purpose of this post.**

 I woke my husband up early that morning with a kiss and an excited “it's positive!” I was thrilled to be pregnant with my fifth baby. Soon enough, I had all the good, healthy pregnancy signs that put me in bed feeling like death. Life was good. My first prenatal appointment with my midwife was perfect. Baby sounded good, I didn't pass out when she took my blood, I managed to pee in the cup without a mess, all good stuff. Then I went back for my second prenatal and we couldn't find a heartbeat. At first I didn't really worry. I'm sure baby was there just in a funky place that the doppler couldn't pick up. She told me she could try again the next day or I could go get an ultrasound to just check on things. We tried again the next day, still nothing so I made the appointment with the ultrasound tech that confirmed we lost the baby. It was the hardest moment of my life. That was almost two years ago. I have since had another baby but am still part of this club that isn't talked about much. There are four things I learned having gone through a miscarriage.

1. The loss of a pregnancy (no matter how early) can be devastating, take time to grieve.
   I was surprised by the amount of grief I experienced. I couldn't believe the amount of tears I cried for this little person I never got to truly meet. I loved him and my heart ached to hold him and carry him in my belly once again. I was allowed to cry, yell, sleep, be alone, talk, whatever I needed to get through this tough time. I was loved on. I thought that I would be expected to just get on with life but I knew that was impossible and I wondered if I would ever be able to move on. It took time but as the weeks passed, I cried less. Even today, I miss my baby and look forward to the day I get to hold him and kiss him. So, mamas, take your time. There's no rush in grieving.

2. Find a friend and talk about it if that helps you.
   I wanted to talk about what happened. It helped me process it. I talked through my story with several trusted friends but one friend in particular, who had several miscarriages herself , spent many hours crying, praying, talking, and sitting in silence with me. Find this friend, if possible. I was actually surprised by how many women whispered “me, too” when I told them I had a miscarriage. We are in this together, friends, find a mama who relate and let them cry with you, talk with you, hug you, and pray for you. You need it. You don't have to suffer alone. Let the people close to you know what you need. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you are a grieving mama and you deserve help and to be loved on.

3. Getting pregnant again doesn't replace the baby you lost or “cure” your grief.
   When I got pregnant again five months after my miscarriage I expected to be healed. I was surprised when I found myself still crying or just still sad for my baby in heaven. This new baby whom I love dearly, my rainbow baby, does not replace the one I lost. I think I will always mourn his loss, mourn the baby that I never got to mother and that's ok.

4. People don't know what to say, forgive them.
   I was actually fairly lucky in this respect. I've heard some of the well meaning but hurtful lines said to mothers mourning a loss. Likely this is said by someone who has never had a miscarriage or lost a baby, so forgive them. I cringe to think I was among those well meaning people before my loss, I pray I have the right words now. For me, the most hurtful thing was my baby not being acknowledged. We had a family holiday about a month after the miscarriage and I so badly wanted someone to come to me and acknowledge his life, death, and my broken heart. I know they felt awkward and didn't want to hurt me, I understand that and I forgive them.

Mamas, if you are reading this after a loss of your own, I'm so very sorry. I know how your heart aches and whole body yearns to hold that sweet little baby. I pray for hope and healing for you. You are not alone in this. It's not a club I wanted to be in but I hope I am now able comfort a grieving mother. Much love and hugs to you, sweet mama. Your baby is waiting for you and you'll be together again.

There is a website that I wish I had known about after my miscarriage that may help you during your journey.  www.stillbirthday.com  I hope you are able to find the information and/or comfort your are looking for and needing.

 Many blessings to you,

Cheryl

- See more at: http://www.darlingbirth.com/blog

Dear Husbands

At one point (or more) in your pregnancy there might be tension between you and your spouse.  I found that to be true at the very end of the pregnancy as we were patiently(Lol) waiting for our baby to be born...... we were both getting more and more frustrated with each other until I wrote this.....feel free to give it to your husbands, it really helped me and my husband get back on track. ~Kellie

Dear Husbands,

Pregnancy is not easy on anyone is it?  The woman you knew as your wife is now a ball of hormones, wearing your ring.  Its hard to know the right thing to say or do, you don't feel appreciated for the extra duties you've taken on around the house and with the other kid(s), and sometimes its hard to feel the love.  Unfortunately for you, when dealing with a ball of hormones you've got to be bigger and stronger. What ever you do...don't feed the beast!  As your role of the supportive Husband, you need to lift her up and show her love...even when it might be incredibly difficult. One minute she is smiling and the next she is in tears and biting your head off...choose to forgive her and show her love.... give her a kiss, and a hug and simply tell her you love her.  Remember that she is not herself right now and try to remember what she is enduring as well-  Her world has completely changed, she is the protector of this little being you created together and that's a lot of pressure.  Her body has completely changed and will continue to do so, making everyday tasks uncomfortable and difficult which can be very frustrating. She is not getting much sleep at night.  You, as the Husband, cant possibly understand what she is going through and that might make her feel isolated and alone...your presence, support and affection is still very much needed even though you might not feel like it is.

I understand it must be frustrating to come home and there she is, again, laying on the couch....must be nice. But what she's really doing is trying to ease her back pain and avoid taking any pills that could harm your baby, so maybe cut her some slack.  And know the closer she gets to having your baby, the more important it is for you to be forgiving, supportive, loving and her source of strength. The end of a pregnancy can be a very emotional, frustrating, and lonely time for a woman, and as the Husband you can choose to make it easier or harder for you both. Please remember 2 things, 1- This is only temporary. 2- When you don't know what to do: kiss her, hug her and tell her you love her...that's it.

Love,
Your pregnant Wife

Guest Post: Kimberly Hill IBCLC

One of the first decisions new parents make is how to feed their babies. For those who choose breastfeeding, it’s not uncommon to run into some sort of frustration. While breastfeeding is a natural process, we have lost a lot of breastfeeding knowledge in our culture due to a severe drop in breastfeeding rates in the recent past. Many of us have never seen a baby nurse before we watch our own baby, and basic guidelines of what to expect (in regards to lactation) after you deliver are often mysteries to new parents.

Looking for breastfeeding help can cause even more frustrations. Well meaning grandparents may be passing on outdated information. Friends may share what worked for them while your body and your baby might require a different approach. The “breastfeeding nurse” may have no specific education in breastfeeding at all, or could be a fabulous resource, but how do you know the difference?

Certified childbirth educators, doulas, lactation educators and La Leche League leaders generally have a good basic education in breastfeeding. They will probably cover what a typical nursing relationship looks like in classes and can answer the common questions like, “why does my baby’s poop look like it has seeds in it?” (That’s the casein—the curds in “curds and whey”—that your baby isn’t processing just yet, and it’s totally normal to see it in the early weeks). These birth professionals generally know their limits and will refer out anything that is beyond their scope of practice.

When you’ve determined you are having a more serious problem though, who do you see? The gold standard is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC). An IBCLC acquires several years of education specifically in human lactation. They are required to have a background in health sciences, including biology, anatomy, infant and child development, counseling skills and other related topics; complete at least 90 hours of continuing education in lactation; and complete many hours of supervised clinical practice before they can apply to sit for the board exam. After passing through this application process and passing the exam, they become an IBCLC. Many people spend 3-4 years on this process in addition to any college degrees they might have. IBCLCs are required to recertify every 5 years by continuing education or by exam. In short, a person who holds an IBCLC can be expected to have extensive lactation experience. If you are not sure whether or not you are working with an IBCLC, you can check the registry here.

Once you hire an IBCLC, you may be wondering what to expect in an appointment. This will vary a bit depending on your situation, but it is important to remember that both mom and baby are patients when working with an IBCLC and sometimes the root of the problem may be caused by something seemingly unrelated. Your appointment should include reviewing what your primary concerns are and what your breastfeeding goals are. There should be a fairly thorough medical history taken on both you and the baby. Some of these questions will be obviously necessary, like the weight history of the baby. Some may seem more intrusive, like asking for a full list of medications you take, and discussing your menstrual history or any difficulties conceiving. These things seem unrelated but can often yield clues to solving things like low milk supply. Depending on the situation, the IBCLC will also examine your breasts and the baby’s mouth. She should ask permission before touching you or your baby. She may offer or ask to hold the baby and talk to him or her a bit. During this time she is looking for clues and red flags in how the baby holds his or her body and moves around that may be affecting latch or ability to transfer milk well. An oral exam will include assessing for tongue and lip ties and palate abnormalities along with tongue mobility and then discussing these issues with you. While some IBCLCs feel these evaluations should be done on every baby, I feel like it is important to keep my fingers out of baby’s mouth unless there is cause for concern, but I am always keeping a close eye on how baby is moving his or her tongue while we “talk” and during rooting and latching.

If mother is in pain or baby’s weight gain is below normal limits, the IBCLC should observe a breastfeeding session.There are a few ways to approach this task. I choose to have mothers do what they have already been doing and we adjust from there. I strive for a hands off approach, where I talk mom through adjustments rather than physically moving her or the baby. Since I will not be in the home all the time, I think it’s important for parents to learn how to adjust the latch on their own. When latch looks good to me, I ask mom how it feels to her. A latch that “looks good” is not good if mom is hurting. When mom and baby are both comfortable and baby is transferring milk well (while I discuss the signs, I am looking to assess this), I will often bring in dad or grandma or aunt to see what I’m seeing so they can help mom remember what to look for when I am not around. We will try nursing on the second side and I encourage mom and her support person to fix the latch on their own this time before I offer more pointers. A good IBCLC will be encouraging you towards self-confidence and self-reliance. While I am available to my clients for months after I first see them, it is important to me that they build confidence in their own abilities, not reliance on me.

The other topics discussed in an appointment can vary greatly, but will probably include information about how to tell your baby is getting enough milk, the safety of medications while breastfeeding, normal newborn behavior, and general information about transitioning to life with a new baby. The IBCLC will help develop a plan of action that will help you along toward your goals. This may include a specific set of directions to follow each day, suggestions for blood work to request, regular weight checks, and/or just a general guideline to follow. This action plan should be evidence based and the IBCLC should be clear if any of her suggestions are more anecdotally based. She should also be sure you understand why each suggestion is being made.

The IBCLC will probably give you some tips about working through certain milestones many babies go through on a predictable schedule. She should make sure the plan of action is doable for mom’s specific situation. This involves reading a mom’s emotional state, listening empathetically to what her challenges are and discussing point blank if mom feels the plan is feasible or not. Be honest with your IBCLC. If you are already completely overwhelmed, do not let someone tell you that you have to nurse 12 times a day, pump 12 times a day and supplement in order to be successful. It is rare that there is only one solution to a problem and a good IBCLC should be able to adjust your plan to fit your family. A summary of your visit and the plan that was agreed on should be provided in writing.

After the appointment, there should also be follow-up. I generally stay in touch with my clients primarily by email. This gives them a written record of our conversation that they can refer back to at anytime. I choose to include follow-up in the initial fee I charge because I feel it encourages moms to contact me early if things aren’t going well. It is always easier to intervene earlier on. In general, I will contact my clients 2-3 days after I see them to check in and see how they are doing and make sure the plan we agreed on is working for them, or make adjustments where necessary. I continue following up on this schedule until things settle down and mom is feeling confident. If mom has requested it, I will provide a written report of our visit(s) and conversations that she can provide to her or the baby’s doctor.

An IBCLC can be a key member of your healthcare team. They are the specialists in lactation that can help address a wide range of breastfeeding issues.

~Kimberly Hill, IBCLC

You can reach her at:

 momsmilkbcs.blogspot.com

 or facebook page http://www.facebook.com/MomsMilkBcs